The beauty of a toddler is that they exist in a world full of endless discoveries and possibilities. They view everything with fresh eyes, unencumbered by the realities of the world. The dog's bowl of water is the perfect place for water play, pavements are meant for running races at top speed and ice creams should be enjoyed all day every day.
As toddlers begin to explore their world and have their own ideas and opinions (at around 18 months usually), they start to butt heads with their parents. It’s our job to be the responsible person who has a fully formed brain, making decisions for our children when their immature understanding of the world might lead them astray. A child’s first ‘tantrum’ is a huge milestone - the first time the toddler outwardly objects to a boundary being set. This is what toddlers are meant to do. They are like little scientists and the only way they learn about the world is through experimenting and testing. Not only are they testing out how things work, but they’re also testing out their relationship with you as a parent. If I do this, what will happen? What kind of a response will I get? How far can I take this? Along with this testing, comes the toddler's intense need for autonomy and power. They seek it constantly and in the tiniest of moments. From demanding that they buckle themselves into their carseat, to screaming if you so much as touch their bowl that they’re using to prepare their own breakfast. And the thing is, that when their response to any kind of intervention or boundary is a tantrum, crying or screaming; it’s no wonder parents tend to give in to their toddler's many requests. It’s easier to just give them the Paw Patrol spoon that’s in the dishwasher than deal with them refusing to eat with a regular spoon. But this can quickly get out of control, as you suddenly find yourself with a 3 year old running the household. Toddlers get drunk on power, constantly seeking more and more, and who wants a drunk toddler running around? But in all seriousness, as much as toddlers appear to want all the power, it becomes extremely overwhelming and scary for them when they realise how much control they have over everything, even their parents. When this happens, your toddler will continue to act out more and more and more, basically forcing you to take control and be in charge.
Our role as parents is to confidently and lovingly guide our children throughout their days and lives. This is no easy feat, as we are constantly presented with questions over whether we’ll allow something or not. From the smallest moments (am I going to let my toddler eat a snack 5 minutes before dinner) to some bigger ones (am I ok with my toddler watching this TV show?) - it can be hard to know when to draw the line. Boundaries exist on a spectrum, ranging from permissiveness on one end to authoritarian on the other end. A lack of boundaries might feel easier because you’re having less tantrums or push back from your toddler, but very quickly your toddler will feel that they’re out of control and will do more and more testing behaviours in order to force you to take charge. On the other end is a parent who is strict on everything, and is constantly having to reign control. This feels stifling for children as they have no agency and feel like they have no voice or control over their own self. This will also lead to a child acting out in order to have themselves noticed and heard.
And so the ideal situation is to find yourself somewhere in the middle. Consistency is key when it comes to setting boundaries, but this doesn’t mean that you can’t move along the spectrum throughout the day. It’s up to you (and your co parent) to figure out the boundaries and then follow through. When your child doesn’t want to get out of the bath and you tell them “1 more minute”, it means actually taking them out the bath after 1 minute if they don’t comply. There doesn’t need to be any ‘teaching’ or reprimanding for not listening, just confidently and calmly following through with the boundary. Even if they scream and cry, you hold the boundary while simultaneously empathising with them. Try to understand things from their perspective and it makes it easier to say what they might be feeling - “You really wanted to stay in the bath, you were having so much fun. It’s ok to be angry at me about taking you out of the bath.” There’s no need to convince them of anything, just be consistent and with time they learn that you mean what you say.
A lot of the time I see parents reprimanding their child for doing something that is developmentally appropriate. Parents often act out of fear or wanting to control a situation that they might see getting out of control if not stopped now, or their behaviour triggers them for some reason.
The first thing to consider when looking at where you sit on the spectrum of permissiveness to authoritarian is whether you truly understand what is reasonable for your child’s stage of development. You catch your toddler licking the bottom of their sneaker (true story) and the impulse is to shout at them or tell them off. But the reality is that a young toddler has no understanding of hygiene and something about their shoe made them want to lick it. Maybe some of their pasta sauce fell onto their shoe and they’re cleaning it up? There’s always a reason for their behaviour and so I advise parents to always seek to understand before you respond. Taking your time to react is the best thing you can do (unless it’s an immediate safety issue of course). I really believe that if we understand the reason why a child is behaving a certain way, we’re far less likely to discipline them unnecessarily. Toddlers don’t live in the same socialised, rule governed world the we do, and so rather than seeing many moments as them ‘not listening’ or being naughty - try to see the moment with curiosity and an opportunity for learning.
I believe that there is always a reason for a child’s behaviour and oftentimes the underlying reason is an emotional one. This can be as simple as understanding that the reason why your toddler is hitting their baby sister is because they’re still adjusting to having a new baby in the house. But oftentimes it takes a bit of detective work to figure out what’s going on. This is another reason why it’s so important to be less reactive to children’s behaviour, and to take a few seconds to think and take everything in before we respond. In those few seconds you might observe your toddler doing or saying something that give you some clues, or your moment of reflection might make you remember something that happened earlier in the day that’s triggered this behaviour. If we react to the behaviour without considering the underlying cause, we’re just putting a bandaid on to a bigger wound that’s just going to continue being a problem and will get worse, and that’s when parents often end up reacting in a way that they later regret.
Parents are often hesitant to set a boundary because they are wanting to avoid their toddler’s response. Whether it be a meltdown that goes on and on, or a fear of losing their love, not wanting to disappoint them, or not wanting them to feel sad. When we give in because of this, we are actually doing our toddlers a disservice. If we continue to give in to their demands for fear of their response, you’re robbing them of the essential opportunity to learn how to deal with disappointment and boundaries. If your toddler never has a chance to practice how to get over the feeling of being told ‘no’, how will they ever learn to cope with the demands of later life? Many parents say that they want their child to build resilience, and this is a significant part of doing just that. Setting appropriate boundaries for your child is a gift, as they slowly start to develop skills like dealing with disappointment, respecting others, self control (this one takes a long time to develop!), and being able compromise. Additionally, remember that toddlers learn best from repetition. Which means that whenever you give in to a boundary, you’re actually reinforcing that response and making it stronger. So each time you say ‘it’s time for dinner’ and allow them to play for ‘2 more minutes’, you’re teaching them that when you say ‘it’s time for dinner’ it means they get to play for a while longer before coming over.
So now that we know why boundaries are important, what are some ways we can help our toddlers follow said boundaries?
Be playful
For example, your toddler is refusing to clean up their legos that have been dumped all over the floor. Toddlers’ love language is all about having fun, so if you can make it a light hearted game, they’re much more likely to join in. So you say something like “I’m going to pick up all the yellow ones! Can you pick up all the blue ones?” Or “Lets see who can pick up more legos, ready, go!” Also in these moments take small victories, which means in this scenario you might say “You can pick up 3 legos because you’re 3 years old” and even if they only pick up those 3, it’s still a big win.
Be consistent
Toddlers thrive on predictability, routine and consistency. It helps them have more autonomy and independence when they know what to expect. This applies to boundaries too. The more consistent your boundaries are, and the more consistent you are with enforcing them, the less your toddler will resist. It can take time to set up a new boundary so be patient. If there’s a specific time of day that is often causing conflict because of your toddler ‘not listening’ etc, think if there is a way to create a simple routine that will help bring more structure and calm. The saying goes that if your child is having a hard time listening, rather than trying to change your child, change something in the environment. Is there something distracting them when you’re trying to get them to do something? Are you asking them to do too many things and it’s overwhelming? Are they being rushed (newsflash, toddlers hate to be rushed!)?
Be appropriate
More often then not I see parents out and about who are trying to get their child to do something or not do something that isn’t developmentally appropriate. For example - your toddler interrupting you while you’re trying to chat to your friend - is extremely annoying, but it is developmentally appropriate that they lack the impulse control to wait until you’re done talking. Remember, children are meant to be loud, messy, impulsive and so many other things that we often tell them off for. Another example is restaurants, it is developmentally normal for toddlers to have a hard time sitting still at the table, waiting for their food, and staying at the table once they’re finished their food. So be prepared with some toys or activities to keep them entertained so that you’re not having to discipline them for something that is too hard for them to manage.
Be connected
There’s a saying “connect, then redirect” which is a very effective approach for setting boundaries. If you can take a moment to connect with your child when they’re not listening, they’re much more likely to comply with you once the connection has been established. While connecting you might understand more about why they’re behaving the way they are - leading you to react in a more sensitive and attuned manner. Once you've connected and seen what your toddler's intention is, you can then redirect them in a more connected way. For example your toddler isn't listening when you tell them it's time for dinner. You go over to them and check in with what they're doing. "Im hiding! I don't want to come have dinner." So you grab a small box and say "I know! You can hide at the dinner table!" and put the box in front of their seat. This shows your toddler its not you vs them, rather you're on their side and are trying to help them get what they want, in a way that is also conducive to carrying on with the day. Almost any behaviour can be redirected in a way that isn't going to be harmful or dangerous (which is likely the reason why you're stopping it) - it just takes a moment to pause and be creative with a solution.
Some things to try to avoid
I say this with the utmost understanding for how hard it is to parent toddlers, so of course some of these things might happen sometimes. But the aim is to have some idea of ways to positively encourage your toddler to listen to you, rather than relying on strategies that will generally make it worse.
Avoid asking your toddler to do things in the form of a question. “Are you ready for your bath?” Of course their answer will be “No!”. Rather just tell them “it’s bath time now”.
Try not to shame them into complying by telling them that their behaviour is making you sad etc. This makes them into people pleasers, only behaving in order to please others, rather than because it’s the right thing to do. And this approach definitely won’t resonate with a toddler’s lack of empathy, so it won’t actually make them change their behaviour.
Don’t use random consequences for their behaviour e.g. “if you don’t stop eating the soap, there’s no TV tomorrow morning”. Rather provide natural consequences that make sense. Toddlers often can’t stop themselves from doing the wrong thing, so they need you to help them stop. “If you don’t stop eating the soap, I’ll have to put it away for tomorrow.”
Avoid bribery - “if you put your shoes on, you can have tiny teddies” Using any kind of extrinsic rewards for behaviour is dangerous because the positive effect of the bribe will quickly ware off and you’ll have to constantly be upping your bribes to be more enticing. Intrinsic motivation has been proven time and time again to be more beneficial in supporting good behaviour. You might try instead to use positive, natural consequences. For example: “If you get dressed quickly, you’ll have time to play with your toy”
I hope that you'll be able to take something from this blog that will help you find your way through testing toddler behaviour. Remember that even if you do everything 'right' - toddlers are meant to test boundaries and so it's not a reflection on your parenting if your toddler isn't always complying. As always, please reach out if you have any questions or are wanting personalised guidance through the toddler years!
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