A toddler specialist’s take on ‘Let Them’ by Mel Robbins

I was so excited to read Mel Robbins’ book Let Them and I jumped into the book as soon as I got my hands on a copy. While this isn’t a review of the book itself, I will say that I found a couple of the initial ideas in the book to be really interesting and I liked getting a new perspective on seeing situations but the book then started to focus on specific topics that I didn’t find to be particularly relevant to my life at the moment. 

However, the biggest takeaway for me and my toddler-obsessed brain was that a lot of the content applied very strongly to parenting a toddler! (and parenting in general too… but we’re here for the toddlers so that’s what I’ll be focusing on). 

Part 1: Let them

The basic premise of ‘Let Them’ by Mel Robbins is to stop trying to control other people's actions, opinions, or decisions—and instead, let them do whatever they're going to do. 

Mel Robbins explains that when people act in ways that disappoint or frustrate you—whether they exclude you, don't support you, ignore boundaries, or behave selfishly—the healthiest and most freeing response is to "let them." That doesn't mean you agree with their behaviour, but rather that you stop wasting energy trying to change or convince them. This approach promotes emotional freedom, personal peace, and stronger boundaries.

1. Let them be toddlers

This for me was the biggest ‘aha’ moment when reading the book, and it is the foundation of how I work with families and toddlers. Toddlers have a unique way of existing in the world because of where they are at developmentally. And I think that a lot of the issues parents face is that they are trying to tame toddlers and stop them from doing things that are completely natural and developmentally appropriate for them to do. Toddlers have a need to do things that go against the grain of how we as adults like to live our lives - they will run fast all the time, scream loudly in the library, throw things, have very specific and irrational requests… These are all behaviours of healthy, typically developing toddlers and yet parents lament over their toddlers being just that… toddlers. Once you understand toddler development and why they behave the way they do, you can let them be toddlers and let go of a lot of the battles you’re probably having with your toddler. Let them choose their own mismatched clothing, let them dip their chips into their cup of water (gross I know), let them wear their t-shirt backwards, let them take their soccer ball to bed with them. When you start to just let them be, you can actually relax and see the humour and unique toddler quirks without feeling the need to control and change their odd behaviour. This doesn’t mean that you need to become a permissive parent, never setting boundaries or intervening. There is a time and a place for everything. But I do think that parents can definitely let go of a lot of the things they’re fighting their toddlers on and let them be. 

2. Let them be who they are

This quote from the book Let Them really stuck with me “the more you let people be who they are, or feel what they feel, or think what they think, the better your relationships will be”. One of the greatest challenges as parents is to simultaneously look after a little baby and be their literal life source, and then at the same time recognise that your child is in actual fact a separate being to you, with their own entire full life ahead of them. There is a complexity in the inter-mingling of being entwined with your child and feeling a deep sense of responsibility for them as well as realising that all you are providing them with will ultimately allow them to go off and live their own successful and independent life. I also think that raising a child illuminates within yourself what character traits you value, what your ideas of a good person and a good life look like, what injuries you still carry from your childhood that you want your child to avoid, or which highlights you remember that you want to repeat. All of this invisible baggage that you bring into parenthood can really cloud your vision of seeing your child for who they are. In particular, it's vital to be self aware so that you understand all parts of your own personality and how it impacts your life.

There is nothing more painful than feeling like those people closest to you don’t really know who you are, or that they wish you would be a little bit (or a lot bit) different. Whenever anyone asks me what I think is the most important lesson to impart on my children it is this - to know that they are loved and appreciated 100% for who they are. Complete acceptance and understanding of who your child is will allow them to develop true self confidence and self esteem. What ‘Let Them’ reminded me is that we need to let our children be who they truly are without trying to mold them into who we want them to be. This will allow us to have a beautifully authentic relationship with our children where we don’t feel that their failures or struggles are a direct reflection of who we are, and you can breathe easy knowing that it’s not your job to make them into anyone other than who they already are. How does this look? It looks like respecting their ‘no’ when they say they don’t want to continue with soccer classes even if they’re ‘good at soccer’. It means accepting that they might be less outgoing than you wished and are actually happy with having a small group of friends. It means letting them make choices that you disagree with (unless of course there is a safety issue at play). The more you let them be who they are, the more you will stand back and marvel at what you see before you. As your toddler’s personality reveals itself, you’ll most likely find yourself shocked by certain tendencies they have. They might be very similar to you which may make you celebrate or worry, and they might be very different from you which might also lead to celebrations and worries. You need to remember that it is your job to accept and love your child completely for who they are, despite your preconceptions of what it will mean for their future. Let them be who they really are, and let them reveal their true self to you.

3. Let them make mistakes

It's the only way they’ll learn and grow. Let them struggle. Let them be sad, disappointed, frustrated and worried. These are all normal, important and healthy parts of human development. Being shielded from the normal hardships of life will do more harm than letting them go through it albeit in small doses. I get it, no one likes to see their child upset or struggling, and there’s a strong desire to swoop in and smooth things over. But when your toddler grows up and reaches an inevitable road block in life that you couldn’t prevent, they’ll have no skills or experience of how to get over these hurdles. If you look back on your life and times that were hard, they often sparked immense growth, important decisions or hindsight that has helped you since then. Don’t rob your child of the satisfaction and pride they will feel when they overcome a challenge by themselves. This is where true happiness lies, not in a life devoid of hardships. Sure, you can be super-parent and fix the things that are broken or causing your toddler grief, but this takes away your child’s opportunity to learn how to deal with hard feelings and also how to get themselves out of a mess. This starts small with letting your child struggle when they’re trying to figure out where a puzzle piece goes, to letting them clean up a mess they created and all the other small moments in their day that are brilliant opportunities for building resilience.

Part 2: Let me

The part of ‘Let Them’ by Mel Robbins that I found most surprising and helpful was what comes after ‘let them’. It’s not enough to just say ‘let them’ and think you’ll now be at peace with how things are. For example if you’ve got a friend who keeps excluding you, not replying to you etc, you can say ‘let them’ and recognize the situation for what it is without taking it personally, but then what? Do you stay in an unhealthy friendship and accept they’re not going to be a good friend? That is the part that’s up to you - it's called ‘let me’. So after you ‘let them’ then you say ‘let me’ and this is the crux of the whole idea - now it’s time to decide what you’re going to do based on the information you’ve gathered from seeing the situation from a ‘let them’ perspective - a more objective and calm perspecitive. You might decide you want to confront your friend to find a way forward, or you might realise you’re better off without them in your life, or you might change your expectations of them as a friend.. Whatever will bring you to a place of contentment and satisfaction about what was initially bothering you. 

And when it comes to toddlers this idea is particularly relevant. When you say ‘let them’ to your toddler’s temperament or behaviour, it gives you information that you need to use to decide on how to respond next. This is what’s most important in parenting a toddler. It’s not about changing what your child’s doing or who they are, it’s about understanding what they need from you in order to make the situation better. If you discover after saying ‘let them’ that your child is in fact just slow to warm up, then you might decide on how to best approach birthday parties in the future to avoid a meltdown every time to suggest they go play with their friends. Or if you notice that your child’s behaviour is terrible at their gymnastics class, you might decide to take a break from it because it’s too difficult for your child and isn’t appropriate for them developmentally. 

As the common trope goes - it’s not about what happens but how you choose to respond. This is very true for toddlers. You can’t change who your toddler is or where they’re at developmentally, you can only see them for who they are in that moment and then change your actions to support them in the best way possible. This might be about looking at more long term trends in their behaviour and making a plan of action for responding ongoing, or it might be about assessing a situation that's come up in the moment and figuring out your ‘let me’ response.

For example, my 4yo daughter who previously loved going to ballet class decided one day that she wasn’t going into the studio once we had arrived. My adult brain didn’t want to say ‘let them’ in terms of her not joining the class because the opposite of ‘let them’ is about holding on to the idea of controlling everyone around us for our own self gain. I wanted her to join in her class because to my brain that’s what made sense in the moment. My initial response was to get annoyed, try to coerce her inside and then basically sulk and have a mini tantrum while she ate snacks next to me outside her ballet studio. This was my moment to try and implement ‘let them’ in real time. Once I accepted the situation, I got curious about why she didn’t want to join the ballet class. I realised that the ballet studio had been closed for 3 weeks for school holidays, it had been a rushed morning unlike our usual pre ballet routine. She wasn’t even dressed yet in her ballet outfit, and when she peeked inside she saw a whole bunch of new kids in the class that she didn’t know. All of this was too much for her and she put her breaks on. Good on her for looking after herself and her needs! Once I realised this, it was now my job to figure out my ‘let me’ - what would I do next to turn this moment around. I could say ‘ok so let’s go home’ and skip it all together… but would that mean the end of her ballet career? I could bribe her to go into ballet but what precedent would that set for upcoming classes? I could threaten her with no TV but what if this actually over-rid her discomfort and crosses her own boundary she had set for herself? Plus it would set TV on a pedestal making her demand it even more… So what did I do? I calmed myself down and put the situation into perspective. We sat and had a snack and eventually she wandered over to watch the ballet class from the doorway. Once my younger daughter's class started after this one, my eldest joined in enthusiastically even changing into her ballet outfit halfway through the class. ‘Let me’ is where the power lies. Will you keep getting stuck in the same situations in a deadlock with your toddler - a battle of wills. Or will you figure out what you’re going to do now that you see where your toddler stands.

Thoughtful boundaries vs permissive parenting

In terms of ‘let them’ it doesn’t mean that all behaviour is acceptable - you will just let your child hit you, or let your child push their friend over, or scream at the top of their lungs in a restaurant… there is a point at which you need to take control in these moments and set boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable. After you’ve set the boundary, then you need to assess the situation that has occurred and decide where things went wrong and how it can be fixed. E.g. Was it a bad idea to take your toddler to a restaurant after a long day of daycare when they were exhausted? Was your toddler needing some space when their friend came over to give them a hug? There is ALWAYS a reason for your child’s behaviour so it’s your job to figure out what the reason was and then work on that.

Let’s remember that while toddlers are constantly seeking power and control over their environments, too much power is intoxicating for them which is where the balance between ‘let them’ and ‘let me’ come into play. Let them be toddlers, let them be themselves, let them experience struggles… and let me look at these situations objectively to figure out my next move. This is where your power lies as a parent, stopping yourself from always being reactive in the moment and letting yourself take control over how you respond.