Spend any amount of time with a parent and child and you're bound to hear the phrase "good job!" exclaimed repeatedly. How could such a seemingly innocent and supportive phrase have anything but a positive effect on a child?
When a parent responds to a child's behaviour with "good job", what they're really saying is "I approve of what you just did." It takes away from what the child has just done, and shifts the focus unknowingly onto the parent's opinion of what the child's done. It detracts from the child's achievement, turning the moment into a judgement.
"Good job"and it's variations are also overused by parents. Children are praised for using the toilet, climbing up a step, putting on their jacket, eating a vegetable and every tiny moment in between. You might argue with me asking "but what about those big moments? Shouldn't my child know what a huge achievement they've made!?" The truth is, children know when they've done something great already. They feel the sense of pride within themselves, which is all they really need. The look on a toddler's face when they manage to jump off a big rock without help says it all. All they need from you in that moment is your connection. "You did it!" "You jumped off the rock!" These kinds of responses let them know that you noticed what they did and you're joining them in their natural joy. This also prevents your child from becoming a praise junky, where they are constantly seeking validation from others, rather than developing their own self confidence and internal motivation to succeed.
When it comes to creative pursuits (dancing, art etc) it is even more essential that we keep our praise to a minimum. Children immersed in a creative activity shouldn't feel that they're being judged as they'll begin to seek approval from parents during these activities. Rather than relishing in the process of creating something new, your toddler will hold up their picture and ask "do you like it?" Or rather than dancing freely and getting lost in the music, they will cautiously move, waiting for your approval. In these moments, you can always comment from an objective standpoint what your child has done. "I saw you were spinning around so much!" or "You used yellow and red all over your paper!" During creative activities, it is always the process that should be commented on, not the outcome. When in doubt, say what you see. Literally - "I see you made a dot on your paper!" will mean more to your child than "wow! That's beautiful!"
The next time you hear yourself say "good job" (I still let it slip out sometimes too!) pause, and say what you see!
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