I know there are so many opinions out there when it comes to babies and sleep... to sleep train or not? Which sleep consultant to use? Which sleeping bag is the best? How warm should the room be? Co sleeping or no sleeping? White noise? Dummy or no dummy? The questions are endless, and the solutions are fleeting. Some might have an angel baby who sleeps through the night at 3 months, others may battle catnapping for an eternity. And when it comes to toddlers and sleep, well that's a whole other kettle of fish!
I remember this conversation very clearly - my 19 month old (at the time) was staying at my parents house for 5 nights while my husband and I were in the hospital giving birth. My mum said "She can stay here as long as she wants! She sleeps like an angel! You put her down at 7 and don't hear a peep from her until 7 the next morning!" I cringed at the comment, because nothing ruins a child's perfect sleep, like telling someone how well they are sleeping. Be it the 18 month / 2 year regression or the introduction of a new baby to the family, like clockwork my sleeping angel turned into a devil overnight.
Bedtime became the ultimate battlefield, with my husband and I taking shifts. She outright refused to wear a sleeping bag or have a blanket. So I purchased a brand new sleeping bag thinking I could trick her into liking it again. That lasted a whole 3 nights before she refused the new and exciting sleeping bag. I moved on to a sleep suit - "surely she's just wanting more freedom to move her legs and will LOVE the sleep suit." How wrong I was! "No sleep suit" she yelled as she wriggled away when I tried to put it on her. She cried for us to stay with her in her room, and once there she would happily chat, sing and practically choreograph an entire Broadway number from inside her cot. We snuck out of the room like ninjas, only to have her scream hysterically the second she heard the door creak open (damn those creaky doors!) Battle weary we would eventually emerge from my daughters bedroom an hour or so later- defeated, exhausted and very frustrated. Not to mention the number of nights one of us ended up sleeping on the floor of my toddler's bedroom after being summoned in the early hours of the morning. Our newborn was sleeping better than the toddler!
Do we move her nap time earlier? Later? Is she getting too much day sleep? Is her room too light? Is she too warm? Too cold? We tried everything to get our sleeping beauty back - we even tried a tik tok trend involving 'tart cherry juice'.... which for the record did not work!
I took to desperately messaging my mothers group asking if anyone else was in the same boat with their toddler... and to my relief and dismay.. EVERYONE was having the same issue. With different variations on what was needed to get their darling toddler to sleep - from holding their hand for an hour, stroking their cheek, singing a favourite song over and over, lying on their floor. We were all in it, and no one had an answer! My next option was to take to google. I scoured through mummy forums, scientific journals and everything in between... and I found absolutely nothing of use! Many mentioned 'separation anxiety', testing boundaries and regressions as the cause of these terrible toddler bedtimes, but none of the suggestions were particularly ground breaking or effective, and I was in desperate need of a solution!
Then one day, my mum suggested we have a much needed break and for the first time since we had our new baby, she offered to have my toddler sleep over at her for the night. I gratefully accepted, and then proceeded to give my mum the lowdown on what to expect at bedtime. "She probably won’t let you put her sleeping bag on. You might need to stay in the room with her until she's asleep. The whole thing might take about an hour." To my dismay and actual shock, my mum texted me that evening to say "She's in her sleeping bag in the cot, and asleep within 10 minutes of when I put her down."
I had been thinking this bedtime battle was developmental, or maybe even biological! But when my toddler seamlessly went to bed at my mum's house, I realised exactly where the problem was. The problem (if you can call it that) was based purely on my daughter’s attachment to me and my husband, and it highlighted for me just how unique and foundational this relationship was for her sense of security. In order to fall asleep, a child needs to feel secure, relaxed and settled in their mind and body. A cornerstone of the toddler years is the toddler’s inner struggle to figure out who they are separate from their parents. They walk a delicate line between needing their parents desperately; cue clinginess and tears at goodbye, while just as desperately seeking their independence and autonomy; “I do it!” “no mummy!” Bedtime is the ultimate moment where this dichotomy emerges, as night time sleep is the biggest separation where toddlers are left alone for the whole night (hopefully!) only to be reunited with their parents in the morning. This is why toddlers will often go to sleep easily for a babysitter or grandparents, but put up a huge battle when it’s their beloved parents doing the bedtime routine. Regardless of if a toddler is spending the entire day with their parents, or just seeing them briefly in the evening - toddler's have a really hard time saying goodbye when it comes to bedtime.
So how can we support our toddlers to feel secure at bedtime in order to get the restful sleep they (and we) need?
The answer came to me through none other than Instagram (of course! Where else does anyone learn anything about parenting these days?). I remembered seeing a woman called Bernadette Lack post about how she used a specific type of play with her sons before bedtime, turns out this came from an approach to parenting called Aware Parenting. I listened to a few podcasts from The Aware Parenting Podcast and did some reading, and discovered their unique approach to bedtime (and parenting in general).
As an aside - I am by no means an Aware Parenting expert, and all I am sharing with you is purely based on my reading and experience - I am in no way affiliated with Aware Parenting, but many of their practices and beliefs do align with my own approach to parenting. I am also not indicating that I follow Aware Parenting (or any other particular parenting approach), but I have found some of their teachings resonate with me as a parent and educator.
One of the foundational practices of Aware Parenting is called Attachment Play, and they advise that parents should engage in Attachment Play with children before bed. I encourage you to do more reading to learn about Attachment Play in more detail, but for the purposes of this blog, Attachment Play involves playing in a very physical and high energy way, involving lots of laughter and joy. Think rough housing, chasing games - anything involving lots of big laughs and connection with you and your toddler is what it’s all about. Through Attachment Play, children can release any energy and pent up emotions from the day; as through physical exertion and laughter, feelings tend to bubble to the surface and release more easily. Think about how relaxed and happy you feel after you’ve had a good laugh - thankfully toddlers are pretty easy to make laugh so no need to write a whole stand up comedy routine each night! If you’re unsure of how to engage in Attachment Play, all you have to do is observe your toddler, follow their lead and add lots of fun and laughter! For example, the easiest option is to play chasing games. As your toddler tries to make a run for it as you ask her to come and brush teeth, playfully chase her and catch her. Shout in an over the top way “I’m coming to get you!” as you run after her. Toddlers will naturally be giving opportunities for play, but it is up to you to notice them and join in! This is also a great way for your toddler to work through some of the challenges they are experiencing in their day to day life. For example, many toddlers spend their days testing boundaries and experimenting with “no!” You can playfully engage in a game where you tell your toddler “don’t push me!” as you encourage them to give you a little push and then you fall over dramatically. Trust me, they’ll love it! Anything goes as long as you are connecting with your toddler in a joyful and fun way with lots of laughs. While this might seem like the absolute last thing you feel like doing at the end of a tiring day, it is so worth it! Not only will it make bedtime easier, but it is a great way to end the day on a high, connecting joyfully with your toddler. Rather than everyone dragging their feet to the finish line of bedtime, with lots of clashes and confrontations along the way. Even just a few minutes of authentic Attachment Play before bed will make all the difference.
The second part of the Aware Parenting approach to bedtime involves allowing and making space for your child to cry. Now hear me out, I know this sounds insane to be encouraging crying… at the end of a long and exhausting day…. But most of the time, children end up crying all the way through bedtime anyways. What was happening with my toddler, was that she kept getting upset about different things - screaming hysterically when we tried to put her sleeping bag on, crying when we left the room, even crying when we were it the room - and all we did was try to calm her down, distract her with her soft toys or placate her. What she really needed was the space to have a big cry and let it all out. I compare it to a tap - we were trying to tighten the tap and small little drips kept coming out. What was needed was to open the tap completely so it could empty. All of the things that she was crying over, were just excuses for her to cry, but I kept marching on with the routine, annoyed at how she was getting upset over little things. So when I hesitantly tried this approach, I was amazed to see what unfolded. When my toddler started to fuss over her sleeping bag, I held her and said “It’s ok to cry. I’m here and I’m listening. You have a lot of feelings and you can cry as much as you want.” She screamed and yelled and then she eventually stopped and took a big breath, and we continued with the bedtime routine. This doesn't happen every night, but whenever she starts to fuss or whinge, I know this is her asking for time and space to let it all out.
Something else to mention, is that oftentimes when you put an end to the Attachment Play, your toddler might (definitely) push back and get upset. This is often the moment that you can allow your toddler to cry while you support them. It’s important to note that I believe a child should never be left to cry alone, so make sure to be with them, either holding them if that’s what they want, or otherwise staying nearby and making sure they know you’re there.
Lo and behold, our first night trying this approach, I put her into her cot, kissed her goodnight and walked out the room. To the deafening sound of silence! We kept waiting for the crying and calling out to start, but it never came. This isn’t to say that bedtimes have gone without a hitch every night since then, some nights we’re running late and don’t have much time to do a proper play session, or she’s sick, or had a hard day and just needs us to stay with her. And the beauty is, that now that she is able to go to sleep by herself most nights, on the odd night that she needs us to stay with her, we have the patience and space to do it as we’re not resentful of spending an hour every evening putting her to sleep.
I’d like to end with a disclaimer to say that I am not a sleep consultant, so if you’re after professional help with your toddler’s sleep, I encourage you to reach out to a trained professional. All I am offering is my knowledge and experience with toddlers from an emotional and developmental standpoint.
Finally, I hope that this has been helpful to anyone looking for a way to make bedtime more enjoyable for you and your toddler. Some parents I speak to actually relish in the slow approach to bedtime with their toddler, and have the patience to spend that time getting their toddler to sleep. And if this is you - keep going with whatever is working for you and your family. But if you’re wanting to get that time back for yourself, or to take the work out of bedtime, then I hope this will provide you with some relief!