If your toddler is grabbing toys from others, pushing or hitting or hoarding all of their things - congratulations! You have a healthy toddler! One of the most common complaints from parents of toddlers is the awkwardness and embarrassment they feel when their child struggles to play well with others. They worry their child will be seen as selfish or greedy, and their parenting will be judged if they don’t intervene and force their toddler to share.
The truth is, toddler’s are not meant to share! Toddlers are EXTREMELY egocentric and it is very difficult for them to see others’ perspectives - nor should they. Toddlerhood is a time for them to discover who they are, and to learn that the world is a safe place for them where their needs will be met. Before they will be ready to play ‘nicely’ with other children, they first need to establish a strong sense of self. They must know how to get their needs met before they can meet the needs of others.
As Magda Gerber so eloquently said “If we make a child share, that’s not sharing.” When we innocently tell our child to share, what we’re really saying to them is, “give your toy to the other child” i.e. your needs are not as important as the other child’s needs. Parents tend to push socialisation on toddlers before they're ready for it. We expect them to follow the rules of socialisation when they're very young, but ultimately it means nothing to toddlers. They have very little understanding of ownership, and so the concept of ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ is useless in trying to get toddlers to share their toys. In the toddler’s mind, anything they touch is ‘mine’, anything they’ve ever touched is ‘mine’ and anything they’d like to touch is also ‘mine’. This mindset makes parents' struggle to teach their child to share futile. Toddler’s aren’t yet able to empathise, which is why they don't understand things like "say sorry" or "give Lucy a hug". When you force children to share or look after others too early, they will think that other's needs are more important than their own.
We all rightly want our children to be kind, caring and empathetic humans. They will become generous and kind later, once they know that their needs will be met. Parents often ask me in shock - but if I don’t teach my toddler manners or sharing, how will they learn? The truth is, toddlers learn far more from watching the way the adults in their life behave than they do from being told what to say and do. They will watch the way you share and use manners in your day to day life, and when they are ready they will emulate the same behaviour.
So, what are you supposed to do when your toddler is engaged in conflict with another child? Stand back and get a front seat to Fight Club? Not quite! The first thing to remember is that children don’t see conflict the same way we do. Toddlers often use conflict as their initial means of interacting with other children. They don’t yet have the language or social skills to initiate play the way older children would, and so the easiest way to get another child’s attention is through taking their toy! This is how toddlers figure each other out. If you watch closely next time your child snatches a toy from someone, you’ll notice that it’s not really about the toy at all, the toy is a means to an end in order to get the attention of another child.
Your job is to stay close, and support your toddler by calmly narrating what is going on. Take on the role of ‘coach’ and neutrally describe the situation - “You both want the same toy.” Do your best not to solve the conflict for them, but you can offer alternatives like “here’s another truck if you want it” or be ready with multiples of the same toy where possible.
Be prepared to step in if there is a safety concern, but allow your child to get upset/frustrated and encourage them to assert themselves e.g. "you and Tom both wanted the same toy! It's so hard when you both want the same thing. Next time you can hold on tight to it and tell him "I need it!" When Tom's done, you can play with it. Or you can choose something else to play with.” Or if your child is the one hogging the toys you could say “When you're all done, it looks like Tom also wants to play with the truck.” And if your child is prone to hitting/pushing you can embrace them in a big hug and say "I can't let you hit, and I won't let anyone hit you."
It takes a lot of patience and deep breaths in these moments, but trust that your child can handle more than you think and with time, when they’re ready they’ll surprise you with a genuine act of kindness that will make it all worthwhile.
Comments