A guide to helping your child learn to play independently at any age
We all know how important play is for children - it’s their way of learning new things, relaxing, processing emotions, creating and getting out their energy. But playtime can become a burden when your toddler is constantly demanding you join them, when you’ve got a long list of other things you need to get done. Or you just want 5 minutes to relax in peace. Needless to say, having a child who can play independently for long stretches of time is something to treasure and celebrate.
To watch a child engaged in play is a beautiful sight - to see them so focused and in their flow.
While some children’s temperament might naturally lead them to independent play, it is a skill that all children can learn and develop.
The main elements involved in supporting your child to play include your environment, the toys and you!
The first thing to consider is how your child’s play space is set up, as this will have a major impact on their ability to play independently. It’s up to you and your individual circumstances where your child’s main play space will be, but for most toddlers, they like to play somewhere where they can still see you or hear you and don’t feel too separated.No matter how big or small your space is, you can follow these tips to set up your space for success.
The first part, and honestly I find this the hardest part, is to only have a few toys available for your child.
There is an abundance of research out there which clearly shows that children play with their toys for longer and are more focused when they are presented with fewer toys.
When there are lots of toys available, it is overwhelming for your child and you’ll find that they will only spend a short amount of time playing with something before moving on to the next thing. Think of it like walking into a department store - you often leave empty handed because you’re so overwhelmed by the choices. As opposed to walking into a well curated shop with a smaller selection. You can see everything clearly and consider each option, finding what you need. We live in a society of abundance when it comes to the availability of toys, combined with birthday presents, hand me downs…. Before you know it your house is totally full of toys that you didn’t even ask for! Try to create a storage space anywhere in the house where you can store most of your toys, and then only put out a thoughtfully selected collection of toys that are actually available for your toddler to play with. You can rotate out the toys every few weeks as you see your toddlers interest in the toys change.
You should select toys based on your child’s interest at the time (but even if they’re obsessed with cars, there's no need to have ALL their cars available), their developmental stage and abilities, and a variety of functions. Within the toys you select, don’t overwhelm your child by having large containers full of toys. E.g. you don’t need to put out the whole train set, or all the magnatiles at once. Especially if the toy is new to your child. As they get more comfortable with the toy, you can add more as needed. Having big tubs of toys is often the main reason why children will take the tub and dump everything out into a pile, so placing individual toys on a shelf or a few items in a tray or basket will be more inviting and easier for children to access.
As we all know, an organised and well-presented environment is more conducive to a feeling of calm and focus. Do your best to have designated spots for each toy, so that your toddler knows where they can find them.This helps` them play independently as they won’t need your help to find a toy for them, since they remember where everything belongs. This also helps with cleaning up, since the child will know that everything has its place and they can put things back in the right spot.
Creating a YES space
A ‘yes’ space is somewhere where theoretically, you could leave your toddler for a while without supervision and you know for sure there is nothing that will be dangerous for your child. When there are dangers or items which require our supervision (think nappy cream, textas, paint, scissors) we are often hovering over our toddlers and having to step in or supervise if they want to use these items.
Each time we’re having to say “no” or “don’t touch that” we’re interrupting our toddlers flow while they’re playing.
Therefore, we want to make sure that our toddlers play space is completely free of anything that we don’t trust them to use by themselves. Additionally, you need to make sure that all of the toys can be accessed easily and independently by your child. This means placing them down low, and in containers that they can open by themselves without help.
Toy selection
When selecting which few toys to have available there are a few things to consider in order to support independent play.
It is really important that when you’re selecting toys to put out, you make sure the toys are developmentally appropriate for your toddler. If the toy is too difficult e.g. a puzzle, then your toddler will automatically require your presence to help them figure it out. This also goes for toys that are too basic for your toddler as they will get bored quickly.
Consider having toys that allow for different types of play e.g. construction, imaginative play, open ended materials etc. This way whatever kind of mood your toddler is in, they’ll be able to find something to play with. If all of their toys serve the same purpose, your child might not play for as long because once they’ve met their need for one type of toy, they won’t have another option to do something with a different focus. For example you might have: cars, magnatiles, a baby doll and a puzzle.
Finally, it is important to consider whether the toy is open ended or not. Open ended toys are materials or toys that can be used in many ways such as all varieties of blocks, art materials, playdough, balls, animal figurines or a toy kitchen. Toys that are not open ended have their place as well, however they will be less important when it comes to encouraging independent play since closed toys (toys that can only be used in one way) will be initially entertaining or interesting for your child, but they will lose interest in them quickly when they master the toy and realise it can’t do anything else.
Similarly, open ended toys can also be seen as ‘passive’ toys, since they don’t do anything themselves; but rather they rely on the child to actively play with them to create something. This is in contrast to active toys (think electronic toys) which are activated purely by pushing a button, and the toy does all the work while the child passively watches/listens. These kinds of toys will also only be enjoyed for short periods of time before the child becomes bored of them.
The final piece of the puzzle is you!
Since independent play is a skill that needs to be learned and developed, you will play a vital role in helping your child to slowly achieve this goal. Remember that although this guide is focused on achieving independent play, that is not to say that children should only play by themselves and never with you. Children benefit from a balanced amount of time playing alone and also playing and connecting with grown ups. The key is to provide your child with the time and space to play alone, and then having smaller, more intense pockets of time to play together.
Consider your current role during your child’s play. Do you feel like you need to entertain your child, teach them or keep them busy?
Let me take the load off and tell you that play is for your child, not for you!
Play is a natural skill that all babies and children possess, but too often adults get in the way of children’s natural impulses for play. We try to lead playtime, impede with our own ideas of how toys should be played with and what playtime should look like. The beauty of play is that there is no outcome or end game. The playtime itself is the product as children benefit in so many different ways from true, authentic play. There is also no such thing as too much playtime, and the more free time children have to play, the more they will benefit and get out of it, and the more they will strengthen their love of and ability to play deeply. Watching a child immersed fully in play is a beautiful and awesome thing to witness. It gives you insight into your child’s mind, what they’re thinking about, what they’re feeling and what they might be needing or seeking. Your role in play is to set up the space, provide the materials, and provide the time to play. After that, you can step back and watch, or actually use the time to get stuff done (or relax!)
I know this sounds harsh and it’s not intended that way, but your mere presence is a distracting element to your toddler, as they will often act differently when you are close by. This means that if you are nearby to your toddler while they’re playing, do your best not to interrupt or unintentionally distract them. Keeping at a safe distance where you can monitor them for safety, while not getting in their way is essential.
Encouraging independent play can start right from the beginning with your baby. Rather than always feeling the need to stimulate your baby and play with them, you can thoughtfully set up some interesting toys for them to look at or grab if they choose. Babies have an amazing ability to focus on items that interest them and they are easily overstimulated, so by placing items nearby, your baby can choose if they want to engage with it, or take a break by looking away. The whole world is so new to your baby, so just looking at the shadows on the wall, the trees swaying outside the window or the light on the ceiling will be interesting to your baby. Try to be aware of not interrupting them when they’re playing or looking at something, and wait until they shift their attention before you offer something else or talk to them. If you start this approach when your baby is still little, they will be used to playing by themselves and independently seeking out stimulation.
If your toddler is not used to playing by themselves, don’t worry! They can definitely learn this skill with your guidance and support.
The first step will be sitting close to your child on the floor, and WAIT. Watch to see what they want to play with and resist the urge to offer any suggestions. Once they’ve chosen something, just observe them and comment neutrally on what they’re doing. For example, “You’ve got the red car. I see you driving it around and around.” Avoid praising them e.g. wow! Well done, that was so amazing!” as they will get used to this kind of feedback and seek it when you’re not around. By commenting neutrally, it lets your child know that you’re there and that you are paying attention to them… this means you actually have to pay attention! Put your phone away, and sit on your hands (literally).
Sitting on your hands means resisting the urge to help your child, show them how to do something, or playing with the toys yourself. You might not even realise it, but I always see parents playing with their children’s toys while their child is playing - building houses with duplo, drawing flowers and writing names in bubble letters. If you play with your child’s toys, your child will get used to having a play partner and someone to get ideas from or copy. This makes it hard when you step away, because they’ll struggle to lead their own play. That’s why it is so important that you take a backseat when your child is playing and let them lead COMPLETELY.
Even if they’re playing with the toys in the ‘wrong’ way, or missing the point of the toy, stop yourself from interfering and trust that they’ll figure it out.
This is why it’s so important that the toys you select are developmentally appropriate, because if the toy is too hard or too easy for them, they’ll get frustrated with the toy and demand you help them with it. As you observe your child’s play, you’ll see what kinds of challenges they’re ready for and which toys they’re outgrowing. Similarly, if you’ve selected some open ended toys for them to play with, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to play with them, so you’ll be less inclined to correct them or interfere.
While many parents feel the need to teach their child while they’re playing, it can be extremely disruptive if they are constantly being steered to pay attention to something specific. Imagine you’re on holiday exploring a new city, you’ve decided you want to spend the day walking around the city streets, but your partner keeps forcing you into museums because they’re ‘educational’ - how frustrating! Sit back and let your child decide exactly what they’re going to play with, how they’ll play with it and for how long. Parents often complain that their child can’t focus on activities for a long time, but what I usually see is that parents inadvertently break their child’s focus and interrupt them with redundant questions or comments while they’re playing. Resist the urge to ask your child questions as they play “what colour is this?” “What sound does a cow make?” - These quizzing questions will not help your child learn or play independently, but it will make them feel pressured to respond correctly and take away from their natural curiosity. Respect your child’s attention by keeping your mouth shut and trust that your child will learn plenty if left to their own resources. Children are natural born scientists, experimenting and gathering information as they play.
The less involved you are in your child’s play while you’re sitting with them, the easier it will be for them to transition to playing independently. Once they’re getting the hang of leading their own play you can start to move further and further away, taking small breaks to go to the bathroom or ‘get something from the kitchen’. A really good strategy is to use something called ‘benign neglect’; where you busy yourself with something like folding laundry, doing the dishes etc so that you can’t play. You tell your toddler “I’m just doing the dishes and then I’ll come sit with you”. It also might be helpful to go and spend some time sitting with your child when they start to play, let them warm up, and then once they’ve been playing for a little while and they’ve become more immersed in something; you can move away and allow them to continue.
Remember that even if your child can play for long stretches of time by themselves, some days they might want more closeness or attention, so try not to push the independence or your child will feel like you’re pushing them away and will cling to you more. If your child can usually play by themselves but keeps seeking you out, this probably means that they’re needing something from you emotionally - maybe they’ve had a hard day at school, maybe you’ve been working a lot and haven’t had much quality time lately, maybe there’s a new baby, or a big change coming up…. So if your usually independent child is seeking you out more, go with it.
As a closing thought on play, I encourage you to go against the grain of society - which values busyness, productivity and over-stimulation - and prioritise slowing down, giving long stretches of time with nothing planned but uninterrupted time for play. Less activities and less toys, means more play, more learning and more joy.
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