The first thing to say, is that I wish it wasn’t called toilet training - like we’re training a dog to learn a trick. Rather, I wish it was called toilet learning, because that describes the ideal process much more accurately.
Using the toilet is a natural, biological process that all humans learn to do. Sure, it’s a major milestone in a child’s life (and their parents’) but essentially, a child is merely reaching the stage where biologically they start to use the toilet instead of nappies… it’s evolution in practice.
In saying this, the process of learning to use the toilet and the transition out of nappies is a big one from an emotional standpoint. I know it sounds weird, but being able to control their bodily functions is a big deal for a toddler! It’s a huge opportunity for exerting their control over something that their parents cannot do. We cannot force our children to wee or poo, and we cannot force them not to either! What this means, is that if we interfere too much with the process of toilet learning, it becomes a game of control and power… the last thing we want to bring into the bathroom! It's always a warning sign for me when I hear a parent say "They refused to go to the toilet" - that's when you know that its become a game of power, and you need to step way back and let them take control.
This leads me to my next point - toilet learning should be completely child driven. If we interfere at all in the process and try to move them along too quickly, they’ll do what they do best and start to exert their control. This is when they start to withhold their wees or poos. We never want to be forcing children to go to the bathroom - if they need to go, the feeling they have in their body will be enough motivation to go. I know there is a lot of content out there about “these are the signs that your child is ready for toilet training… don’t miss the opportunity and do it quickly!” But the truth is that the process of toilet learning is a long and slow journey. I've seen children forced into using the toilet way too early, and they become anxious and stressed about going to the toilet and behind to withhold, which is very unhealthy. I believe that the slower you take it, and the more you follow your child’s lead, the easier and smoother it will be. Toilet training does not just take 3 days, toilet learning takes time as children learn all the skills required - biologically, practically and emotionally.
So if we’re leaving toilet learning up to our toddlers to lead, what's the parents role?
How to:
From early on, expose your toddler to toileting in a natural way. This means letting them be in the bathroom when you’re using the toilet, and even letting them see your waste products if they ask for it (one of the more humbling experiences in parenting in my opinion). Have a simple potty available in the bathroom for them to play with, explore, sit on, put their toys in… whatever they want. At this stage it’s all about normalising going to the toilet. Also helpful is to ask them if they want to push the flush for you after you’ve gone to the toilet. Some kids can be scared of the loud flush sound, so the more they get used to it, the less scary it will be.
At the same time, be aware of the kind of language you’re using about toileting. This includes not speaking about wee / poo negatively - if we say things like “ew! That’s a really gross poo!” Or “wow you stink! I think you need a new nappy” this leads to shame about their waste products, and down the track they’ll carry this shame into the bathroom, finding it hard to easily let go of their poo into the toilet. Also remember that at this age, toilet words are not bad words, so don’t reprimand your child if they start to say “you’re a poo poo head!”. Just join in the fun and don’t make a big deal! When you’re changing their nappy, let them know what you’re doing and where possible involve them in the process to empower them. Such as letting them hold their new nappy, pass you the wipes or cream, and throwing the nappy away when you’re done. They might even ask to see their own poo (woooow this is a new experience), and as gross as it is for you, the more open you are about it, the easier their toileting journey will be.
Another great thing to do is to have children’s books on the topic of toileting available to read. Having these books out long before they’re actually going to start using the toilet is a good idea because it will teach them about what it means to use the toilet, normalise it and make it a relaxing and fun experience. See my recommendations at the end of this post.
Be like Switzerland, be neutral:
This is perhaps one of the most important parts of toilet learning, and that is to be aware of your response to using the toilet. The first time they do a wee/ poo on the toilet, try your absolute best to reign in your excitement and merely say it as it is - “you made a wee on the potty”. If we do a big song and dance, it takes away from their internal satisfaction of what going to the toilet actually is, and it makes it about you and getting your approval. It also means that when they don’t use the toilet they might feel like they’re disappointing you. As I mentioned previously, going to the toilet is a natural biological process, while parents might feel proud of their child for doing it, using the toilet really doesn't warrant any praise.
Also avoid any kind of “big boy/girl” talk on the topic of toileting. There’s no need to tell them they’re a big girl because they used the toilet - again, this comes across as pressure and will complicate the process emotionally. The same goes for the kind of language we use when a child has an accident - no punishing, getting annoyed or trying to teach. Just state neutrally “you made a wee on the floor, now you’re wet, let’s go get cleaned up.” If you reprimand them for having an accident or make too much of a big deal, they’ll feel shameful about it and again it feeds into their level of comfort with using the toilet.
The practicality is important
The next piece is about actually learning HOW to use the toilet. When your toddler starts to actually want to sit on the toilet or wear undies, make sure everything is user friendly for them. This means having a stool available in all the bathrooms so they can climb on by themselves, making sure they can pull down their nappy (they’ll need to be in pull ups at this point) and their pants (make sure their pants can come down easily without undoing buttons and no overalls or tricky long dresses), as well as putting on their own undies. Learning all of these things before they’re actually using the toilet consistently is really helpful, because by the time they’re ready to ditch nappies, they’ll already be a pro at using the toilet. It’s up to you if you want to use a potty for wees/poos or just go straight to the toilet or do both! You can add a smaller seat onto your toilet, or teach them to hold themselves up on the big seat. It’s also helpful to take them with you into public toilets when you’re out about so that they become familiar and not scary.
Observe and follow
The next piece in the puzzle is to observe your child’s interest in using the toilet, their awareness of when they’re making a wee or poo and what their reaction is. To follow their lead means that if they say they need to wee, you can ask “do you want to wee in your nappy or the toilet?” And whatever they choose is ok. Once they are able to tell you “I need to make a wee/poo” before it actually happens, this is a great time to give a gentle nudge to stop wearing nappies all together. They’ve gotten themselves 90% of the way there, and now your only involvement is to help them take the next step. Simply let them know that from tomorrow they can make wees and poos in the toilet and only need a nappy for sleep time. If they put up a fuss, don’t worry about it and try again in a few weeks time. When they’re ready, they’ll be ready!
If you’d like you can try to stay home on the day they move out of nappies, just so they’re near a toilet at all times and you can be less stressed about any accidents that might happen. Then slowly venture out further away from home, but be aware of the nearest toilet and you might need to check in with them to see if they need to go to the toilet while you’re out. I also have a portable folding potty to take to playgrounds or places that don't have a toilet nearby.
In the early days, expect that there will be a few accidents so be prepared with spare pants, undies, socks and shoes!! (Wee often goes down into their socks and shoes when they’re standing up!) it can also take a bit longer to stop having accidents at daycare so don’t stress if this is happening and it will come right quickly.
Lastly, try not to feel any pressure to toilet train. I know it can feel like there’s a rush when all your kid’s friends are using the toilet, or you have a baby coming soon, or you’re just done with changing nappies! This is really one part of development that shouldn’t be rushed, and needs to happen only when your child is ready.
All this is not to say that other methods of toilet training are wrong - as always, do what works for you and your child. This is just my take on toilet training from a developmentally and emotionally sensitive approach.
Children's books about using the toilet
Poo poo bum bum wee wee by Steven Cowel
Potty by Carol Zeavin and Rhona Silverbush
Usborne Why do we need a potty? By Katie Daynes
Potty Superstar by Pat-A-Cake and Fiona Munro
Everybody poos by Taro Gomi
Even firefighters go to the potty by Naomi Wax and Wendi Wax
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